Miscarriage Sucks

Miscarriage Sucks

Did you know that 1 in 4 women have had a miscarriage? Miscarriage is sort of an enigma in women’s health as it is not talked about often. However, it is unfortunately a common occurrence. I see women in the clinic everyday who have had or are currently going through one. It’s heartbreaking to me when I have to counsel a mother about her concerning symptoms, and I’m thinking she’s probably having a miscarriage, but I inform her that she has to go through blood tests or an ultrasound to confirm it. I have to say my nurse schpeel that these symptoms are concerning and we need to confirm it, which takes time. The time it takes to wait is agonizing for them. They don’t know what to think. They’re worried, anxious, but still hopeful that everything will be ok and they read on Google about stories that women out there have had these same symptoms during their whole pregnancy. What’s going to happen to me? What do I tell my family and co-workers that I’ve already told that I was pregnant? Will this happen when I try again next month? 

These are just a few the thoughts and emotions that women are likely feeling. Just recently I became one of those newly expecting mom’s that unfortunately experienced a miscarriage. 

I’ve gone through a complete roller coaster of emotions and feelings within a span of a week. My husband and I had decided we were ready and wanted to try to have a third child. We love our boys completely and love being parents. We wanted to add to the love in our home. Now we have been pretty fertile in the past so we knew that when we were ready to try, we had to be ready. 

I’m already a very anxious person with an anxiety disorder so the waiting game of trying to conceive and waiting to take that first pregnancy test can drive me crazy. I waited until the tests told me I could take it, which would be 6 days before my period. 

Saturday: Here we go. It’s positive! It’s a very faint line, but it’s positive! My nursing brain tells me that the HCG hormone had to have been detected for the line to show up at all. So, I’m PREGNANT! My husband needed more reassurance, but accepted it after about a half hour. I was pregnant with our third baby and I was happy. However, something didn’t feel right in my gut. 

Sunday: Let’s take another test to make sure. It’s still positive! It’s a bit darker, but still kind of faint. Something still didn’t feel right. Shouldn’t I be more excited? I’m not as happy this time as I was the other 2 times. I also wasn’t feeling as nauseous and fatigued as I had been with my previous 2 pregnancies. It was just a few small waves of nausea. I didn’t think much of it. 

Monday: I took another test. This one was darker. Ok I’ve had 3 positive pregnancy tests. Let’s do this. A part of myself was going through the motions, but another part of myself wasn’t into it. I was still feeling nausea but not a lot. I decided to tell my co-worker that I’m closest with since we she will be with me a lot during this. She was more excited than I was. What’s going on with me?

Tuesday: I’m one to tell everyone around me that I’m pregnant as soon as I found out. I often feel really sick in the beginning so people will find out anyways. I told all my co-workers by giving them donuts. Everyone was very excited. I was, in a way, forcing myself to be more excited than I was. 

Wednesday: Feeling a little more nauseous and tired today. The nausea was reassuring to me but I still felt that something was wrong. I told my husband that I thought if I got really excited that something bad would happen. Of course, he said I was crazy, or at least that what I said he was thinking. He’s smart enough to not actually say these words. 

Wednesday night: I was going to the bathroom and saw it. I saw the streak of blood. Shit. Ok, it’s normal to have a small bit of bleeding sometimes in the beginning. Although, this never happened to me before. It was too late for implantation bleeding. I told my husband, to which he said that we should wait a bit and check again. I went to the bathroom every 20 minutes. More blood every time. It kept coming. I was trying to convince myself that the color was a pink color instead of bright red. But it was red. It was a lot of blood. More than spotting. This was happening. I was having a miscarriage. I didn’t want to confirm it completely or admit it to myself. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. 

Thursday morning: More blood. I played the scenario in my head of what I now needed to do medically. I couldn’t take off my nurse hat. I was also trying to explain and console my husband of what was going to happen. I couldn’t stop thinking, “I’m so stupid. Why in the hell did I tell my co-workers? Why did I tell anyone?” I’m a very open person, but right now I didn’t want to talk to anyone about this. I went to work as usual planning to meet my midwife later to check my HCG level. I told my co-workers and didn’t want to talk further about it. I went about my work day, trying to advise other women on their health and concerns. At about 930, I had a big wave of nausea and cramping. This really hurt. This was happening. To me. I didn’t think this would happen to me. Why was God allowing this to happen? Why does he allow this to happen to any woman? This isn’t fair! I started to break down at my desk. I left work, not being able to focus on my job. I needed to process what was happening to me and I couldn’t do that at work. I went to see my midwife. She would call me later with my HCG results. 

For those of you wondering, HCG is essentially the pregnancy hormone. It’s important to check the level a few times to make sure it goes down to negative to ensure everything from the pregnancy has left the uterus. 

I spent time in the car driving and talking with a friend. My eyes hurt from all the tears. I got home and got the phone call from the nurse. My HCG level was negative. What? Negative? Already? I was advised by the nurse and the midwife that home pregnancy tests are very sensitive so I was pregnant, but the hormone level didn’t get very high, which is why it didn’t take long for it to go all the way down. Was it even enough to even call this a miscarriage? I can’t imagine what this would be like if I was farther along. I feel like that would break me. This happened so early on, but I was told that this was still a miscarriage. 

The next few days were spent still having waves of nausea, cramping and hormonal crying. Each day got a little better. It’s now two weeks later from when I found out I was pregnant. I have gotten a lot of support from friends and even found out how many more people I know that have had at least one miscarriage. I do have anxiety of this happening again, but this won’t stop us from trying add to our family. 

I now understand why women don’t want to talk about it. It hurts emotionally and physically. It’s confusing. It plays with your emotions like no other. However, I have always felt it’s important to talk about things, especially if it’s uncomfortable. The more people talk about their experiences, the more people will realize they are not alone and have more support. 

If you have never experienced a miscarriage or have ever wondered what do you even say to someone going through this, here are just a few helpful things to say, and NOT to say.

Things that are not helpful to say to someone that have had a miscarriage

·      At least you already have a child.

·      It’s ok, this happens all the time

·      You can always adopt. 

·      You can always have another

·      Your baby is an angel now. 

·      It was in God’s plan

·      At least you can get pregnant

What you should say:

·      I’m so sorry

·      What can I do to help you?

·      I’m here for you

What are your stories? What did you find helpful for support during this difficult time? Leave comments to help support others that may be going through this difficult time.